I am pretty sure no one reads these stupid journals, but now I'm not so sure. See, I like to rant a lot and apparently that gets me into trouble. I dunno who all is reading this, but I am going to make something very clear in these journals. If you don't like me then don't read these. Same thing goes for those who want to send me to hell. It offends me like NO OTHER when people judge me. I've decided to post this journal as a way for people to get inside my head. I'll likely keep this journal active for a week before I remove it, so read it now before it is gone.
First off, I want people to try and understand me. I am lesbian. Okay, I get that makes a lot of you mad, heck it makes me mad, too. I kind of wish I thought guys were the number one things in our world today because then I would be considered a good kid and not be called a mistake.
What bothers me the most is all the fights I have had with my mom. I mean, as I write this I'm trying not to cry because last year I got so depressed I wanted to die. I didn't care that I was slowly killing myself because I hated life. I am afraid to leave my house without my family wanting to see me because if I get that level of depressed again I don't know what I'll do. I mean, I am a Christian and I believe that gay people deserve a life like everyone else. I get TERIFIED that gay people might roast in hell, but I pray and pray and pray and I don't feel like God is telling me to be straight. I think that God wants me to be happy and I think that as long as I love him and respect my gay relationship then he will love me no matter what.
Another thing that pisses me off is when people start speaking for God. You're not God so stop telling me what He thinks. I pray to God everyday and talk to Him about my feelings. I KNOW He loves me and that He is here for me. I won't stop believing in Him because people yell at me and tell me I am going to hell.
In fact last year I went through SOO much pain trying to figure out what to do. The results were me trying to be straight. I almost dated like 5 guys, but every time it got to the point for me to get into a relationship I got depressed and stopped. I don't like guys that way. I don't like the way they are. I mean, sure I think a lot of them are amazing, but not as a relationship/romantic way.
I have heard it all. Like how two women can't support a family and how they'll be looked down upon, how it isn't how God intended. But I think that it doesn't matter who you love as you go through this life, because as long as you love God while loving someone else it shouldn't matter. My whole life I have grown up believing in God and learning about him, but in alllll those years I never once thought God could hate someone who loved the same sex.
Now, here is something even more important to understand. If you're straight and you like the penis (girls out there) good for you. One thing you need to understand is that you'll NEVER understand a gay person. Same as we never will understand you straight people. I mean, we accept you and we love you and that isn't an issue for us because we got the hell over it. I don't wanna force myself to be straight just because people want me to.
A lot of people want to blame the fact that I am gay on anime, but I never liked guys before I started watching anime. I think it made me realize I liked girls, but I don't think that I would have liked guys no matter if I got into cosplay/anime ect. I know a lot will argue that point, but you're not me, so don't tell me how I feel.
I just want to say to all you out there who don't like me for being gay that I'm sorry. I mean, I hate myself and CRY all the DAMN time because of this. I am always scared I am always worried and I shouldn't have to live a life where I am scared. I mean, would you all rather me be dead right now? 'Cause it doesn't seem so scary when you're that sad in life. It is hard to fix myself because let me try and explain this to you. You can try and place me in therapy (had that happen before) and you can try and take away anime/cosplay and ect (happened already, too) and you can yell at me every day for months (once again check) and you can place me in special schools and take me to church (bingo) but it will not change me! I hate it that people don't take a step back and understand me!
I am sick of crying and being depressed! I am sick of everyone thinking I don't deserve to live and don't deserve to love. I know people tell me to go through life single, but what makes you think I want to be alone? I am just as human as you are. If you were in my shoes what would you do? Just think for a second. You're not in my shoes and you like the penis (girls out there) and so you cannot understand me. I can be Christian and love a girl. I can't see what is so wrong!
One of the worst parts about this whole 'disease' is that when I look at a girl I can admire them. Apparently to you it is wrong. Kinda like how a girl looks at a guy. I mean, I want to find a girl who is nice and has awesome qualities. Pretty girls are pretty. I think they're nice to talk with, dance with, get to know. I mean, what the heck?! I don't find it strange. I am scared as shit when I get near one I like because EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT of how being gay is going to send me to hell runs through my head, but it doesn't feel wrong to me. My bad!
I think haters are going to hate. I think that people like 'that' are never going to change. I can't make you like me and I can't make you understand me. I keep trying to paint a canvas for you to see, but all you can do is burn it to the ground before you ever take a single glance at it.
My mom will probably never want to see me again and that does hurt. I have a lot of siblings and I was home schooled. I am a Christian and I am a gentle person. To have to leave my family does shatter me and I know my mom will say it was your choice and you should have chosen better, but then she doesn't realize I tried to make her happy for so long. I wanted to like a guy, but it NEVER works. I don't know why. I hate hate hate myself. I would gladly kill myself if it didn't seem like such a big deal. I mean, I don't know what to do anymore. I am on my last leg and I know my mom has given up, too because she can't understand. A part of me wants to just tell her I am sorry and walk away because I do kinda feel for her. I mean, her kid is gay and that sucks because she hates (or so she says hates what they do) gay people. I can't change her opinion of them, but I wish she would love me no matter what I was.
She thinks she has a clear picture of gay people, but she doesn't because she isn't gay and so therefore she can't understand. There are SOO many gay Christians out there who never come out of the closet and that's because like me they're afraid for their lives. I wish all the hate would stop! I can understand the gay community and why they're sad and why it sucks. I get it because I can see through their eyes.
There isn't much I can do to make this all better, but I want everyone to know that gay people aren't out there to sicken you out. They're not out there to make a scene or to make you feel bad for them. They're just like everyone else and the ONLY thing that sets them apart is they like the same fucking sex! I mean, honestly! That is it! Yea, it is a bit weird, I know. I mean pssh I don't like penis. I know I am a horrible person, I get it. I know. But none of you will ever take the time to understand that it isn't that big of a deal.
I can tell you ALL the bible verses that say it is wrong, but then again, I can tell you a TON that make it right. I have my reasons and you homophobes will have yours. I am sorry! That being said, please get over it because if you don't then many people are not only going to live sad depressing lives, either that or they're going to commit suicide, too.
The hate needs to stop and you can help. That is all I am trying to say. Try and understand the gay community and maybe this world wouldn't be so sad as it is today.
If God had wanted me otherwise he would have created me otherwise. Why would God have created me this way? Why was I the kid who had to like girls? Why was I the kid who had to be 'weird' why was I the kid who had to have parents who wanted NOTHING to do with me. I don't know, but I can't handle it anymore.
Hey listen, I feel for you. I'm in the process of figuring out who I am, and a part of me thinks that I too, am a lesbian. Don't ever feel alone, because I've been there too, only to figure out that I have amazing people in my life to help me out of the hole I'd dug for myself. Just keep trying. I did. And I'm happy that I didn't give up.
How is being lesbian make us mad? I know I am only one person out of a trillion who thinks that it's wrong to judge and hate someone solely because they're gay, or just hating in general and I know A LOT of people do to, but seriously? I hope that society will soon learn to accept people for who they are and not because they don't fit the normal, typical, fucking shit of what THEY THINK is right. This is seriously one of my petpieves, simple minded people who can't accept fucking jack shit, and I feel really sad for those who can't accept that, most saddest people I think. I'm not christian, or even religious, but from what I hear and know, God is suppose to love all his children, so I'm a bit irritatingly confused on that part. I like to see both sides, and Yeah, I understand why they wouldn't accept it. We're humans, we judge, we hate, we do shit that others don't like, because we're fucking humans. I just wanna say that I AM Straight and that I accept it all the way, -cough is a fujoshi cough cough- But Also because we are all human beings, we all have feelings. Just because one is homosexual does not mean, he or she is not human or can feel pain, hurt, sadness, and all those emotions.
I seriously hope you've found your happiness, and that you're finally living well. No one deserves to have to go through shit, but damn it's life! And it sucks!
And I know it may not be much, but you have so much support, starting from the comments, favorites, watches, views on DeviantART.
Really thank you so much. You're the kind of person i wish we had more of. Cause I am really ticked at all the people out there that completely tear down and hate on someone they don't truly understand and know. =/ They're just a bunch of judgmental jerks. =/
But I have found love and I am happy now =3 So that goes to show that hate doesn't work. x3
As I see you wrote this more than a year ago. So I hope you feel a lot better now. People can't hate you forever. If you had a good relationship with your family before you came out to them, I'm sure they will forgive you (or did they already forgive...?) I am not really religious, but I think that if God exists then He would never hate you just because of your sexual orientation. And people who does hate you, well... Don't listen to them. You can't ignore your family, they matter, but I'm sure hey won't hate you forever. My girlfriend (well, I'm bisexual but I like a girl now) is really afraid of homophobia. And it makes a lot of things really bad. Don't be like that. This would just ruin a lot of good moments. It's possible to take things easily. If someone calls you by names just laugh or answer to his/her insults kindly. It can work well. Killing yourself and hating yourself is not an option. Accepting yourself is a really brave thing. I hope that you was able to do this since you've posted this. It wasn't really hard for me to accept my situation, but I still haven't told my parents, just to a few friends. But it doesn't matter. So. All I wanted to tell you is that try to be happy because that's a thing that really matters in life.
No, you're absolutely right! And actually, since this last year, I have a girlfriend now and her and I are really happy together and nothing will change that. I am now fully out to everyone and I am very much proud of myself. My family and I still don't talk, but I know they won't change how they feel. It's just how they are. But I can accept that because i love my girlfriend and i want to be with her. That being said i am going to fight for myself and not like anyone stop me and change my opinion. Thank you so very much!
Oh wow, so no one knows that you're bi right now? Well that's okay anyway. I mean, I really only started coming out to everyone a few months ago. And I still can't flat out tell my friends in the past I am lesbian. I tell every new person i meet I am a lesbian, but it is still not the easiest thing.
But you have a girlfriend right now? How long have you two been together?
Yea, I am sure it will be hard on her....you really have to like....convince yourself that your freedom of choice is more important than what others think and that is very hard.
I'm really glad that you're happy with your girlfriend and that you were able to talk about yourself to your friends. You can do nothing with your family to talk to you again now, but with time, it might change. You're still their daughter, they'll realize once that they made a terrible mistake. At least I really hope so. And I really hope that things will work out well for you too. Relationships can be pretty messy sometimes. But well. In the USA homosexuals have more rights then in my country. You can adopt kids later, get married, etc. So don't be sad! It will be OK. About me. Well. I was barely interested in love when I was younger. I had some crushes, but it was nothing serious. They all were boys. But then I realized that the reason I was never truly interested in guys was that I was afraid that if I started to check guys out, I might start checking the same sex out too. How stupid of me for not realizing this for years. Gosh, I'm 19 years old now. I met a really cute girl one and half a year ago and I immediately liked her. I wasn't in love, but I found her pretty attractive. I knew she had a girlfriend before, but since her parents are pretty homophobes and I am not too beautiful to be interested in, plus she was with a boy that time, I just wanted to be her friend and hoped that I would never really fall for her. I did, but it was after we first kissed. This was in May. So we can say that I have a girlfriend for 7 months now. But the truth is that it took her ages to accept that she ended up again with a female, so let's say that we are together truly for 3-4 months. We still have some bad times because we have to hide our feelings. I am freaked out when she's here and my parents are at home too and she is freaked out everytime someone sees us. It took her months to let me touch her hand in public. So it's a messy situation. But she starts to get more accepting. I cannot truly blame her. She is still young (17) and goes to high school. It's harder there. High school kids are lot meaner than the ones in college. That's why I have never told this to my parents. She is afraid of telling this to anyone and I find useless talking about this until our relationship is serious. But I told it to some friends of mine who are bisexuals too (it was a surprise, all of my good girl friends turned out to be bi, but we never talked about this before. ) and to two boys from my university. One of them is a really good friend and the other one is a boy who I kind of like and I had the feeling that it's mutual. So I told him that I have someone and that it's a girl because I started to act a bit foolishly when I was around him and I was afriad of liking him more than I should... I didn't want him to ask me out or something, because I like him, but I'm in love with my girlfriend and a boy would just mess up everything now. He became a really good friend of mine recently though. He helps me a lot. And would never start dating a girl who is in a relationship. So being bi is even worse (at least in my opinion ) than being gay; sometimes I just wish I only liked one sex, no matter which one. Possibly I could tell myself to forget about girls. but I don't want to. It would be easier, but that's who I am. I don't want to lie to myself. I am just afraid of coming out to everyone. Because straights don't understand bis and the same goes for gays. And being called a slut is not nice at all. Because that's what people usually think of when they hear the word "bisexual". And my parents would freak out. A lot. But I will tell them. I just still have to wait and see whether my girlfriend will really able to accept this, or not. Oooh, sorry. I wrote you a lot. O.O I really don't know when to shut up.
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More