Disclaimer: I do NOT own Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler and sadly never will. *cries in corner*
Title: Blindly For You
Pairings: Sebastian/Ciel Light Yaoi
Rating: T / Pg-13
Summary: My name is Ciel Phantomhive and I am blind. it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all, i don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.
Timeline: Actual universe. Also known as 21st century.
Warnings: This is NOT SHOTA! Although it has mentions of love in it. There will be some sebaciel. ALSO IF YOU DON'T LIKE DO NOT READ! You're immature if you comment. There is a back button for a reason. Also, you will cry if you read this. Sorry.. =/ Lastly, there is a bit of cursing and I am also sorry if the characters are OOC. I tried my best!
Status: Complete! This is a oneshot!
A/N: Sorry for typos and if this is messy. Dx I will try and clean it up soon!
Blindly For You
“Sebastian, hey, bring that back!” I jumped from my desk and reached after a paper that I knew Sebastian had taken from me.
“How do you know I am the one that took it?” My ears perked to the voice and I realized I was reaching in the wrong direction. Frowning I turned around and closed my eyes trying not to get embarrassed.
“Sebastian….” I cleared my throat, “My essay, please?”
Sebastian’s breath touched my ear from behind as he whispered, “Of course, master.”
I turned around and pushed him, keeping the blush from reaching my cheeks. The paper fell somewhere and I got onto the floor trying to search for it with the lack of my eye site.
My name is Ciel Phantomhive and I am blind.
I was born blind in one eye and I grew up that way. It was fine and it was all I knew, so it never was a problem.…
….that was until the wreck my family and I got into 5 years ago when I was twelve. They died at the scene, but I had lost my right eye. Glass from the wind shield pierced it and rendered me blind since that young age. I guess in a way it was a blessing because I never wanted to see my parents laying down on the freeway while people shuffled around their bodies. Instead I sat there shaking while I held my bleeding eye until someone picked me up and took me away.
The news hit me like a brick to the face. They were actually gone and I guess not being able to see was some gift from God. I didn’t understand how that was a gift though.
Soon after my Aunt Angelina moved in to take care of me and she was the type to leave for a few days without returning. This is actually how Sebastian stepped in. He was a teenager when he first started off here. Just here to make an extra dime and it turned into something more.
I needed help getting dressed for school and homework assignments were hard to complete when you’re blind. I also couldn’t cook to save myself and bathing was out of the question. He was always there for me to help me through and because of how helpless I was, he would tease me by calling me master and himself the butler.
I heard the paper being picked up from the floor, “I got it, master.”
“S-stop calling me that!” I stole the paper from him feeling slightly proud that I actually got it back with the lack of not having my eye site, “sheesh.”
I heard Sebastian snicker and I rolled my eyes while adjusting my eye patch. Silly as it might sound, I kept an eye patch over my eye that was pierced from the wreck. The other eye was still there, just empty of color. Kids from my school thought it was really neat and didn’t make fun of me as much because of it. The only teasing that went around was that I looked like a pirate, but after Sebastian beat them up for calling me that, they no longer made fun of me for it again.
Although, Sebastian wasn’t allowed to be in my school after that.
It was alright though, I figured out how to get around for the most part. I didn’t want to have one of those pathetic walking sticks, so I had Sebastian get me a really fancy cane that looked elegant. The designs on it felt really cool, so I decided it was adequate enough for me to use.
Sebastian was always there for me no matter what.
It might seem stupid, but he was what I look forward to everyday.
We would play games together which we both made up since I was blind. Most of them dealt with feeling. I had got the hang of brail and while I hated it, it gave Sebastian and I a chance to play games together. Sebastian- in my defense- also learned brail. Whatever I went through, he did, too and I never understood why.
I asked him so many times why he remained here and he always told me it was because this was his home now and that this is where he belonged. However, how could living beside a blind boy be a future for anyone? I had no idea what he looked like, nor did I ask. There was so much silent confusion about the other.
“Alright, Ciel, go ahead and finish your work then.” Sebastian led me to a chair and I sighed once I sat into it.
“I….I am going to need you to write the words out for me.” My meek voice spoke and I heard Sebastian snicker once more.
“Okay, then, what should it say?”
My eye closed and began to speak the only way I knew how; with words.
“N-no!!” I shot up from bed and gripped the sheets from it. My heart was beating so fast and I couldn’t find the breath in my lungs, “S-shit…..” I lowered my head and bit my lower lip. My mouth was so dry and my only eye was crusty. I rubbed it clean and stared into what I assumed was a dark room. Ever since I became blind I was no longer afraid of the dark because after all, the dark was all I knew now.
However, that didn’t make the nightmares go away. I stood out of bed and made my way downstairs to grab a drink of water. Being blind taught me a lot of things; one of them being where the walls of the house were.
I made myself a glass of water and sat it down on the island in the kitchen. I was probably the only person in this house that could navigate myself through the house in the dark without getting lost. I took pride in that.
“Ciel, what are you doing up?”
I must have jumped three feet in the air at the voice, “Sebastian, damnit, you scared me!”
“Sorry, I heard noise from downstairs and got worried.”
“Hn, well, I was only getting a glass of water, don’t worry.”
“Had another bad dream?” I heard Sebastian step closer to me. I was sure he was right next to me, but I didn’t want to reach out to find him.
“You can always come and talk to me when you get them. Don’t hesitate.”
I grabbed my glass and walked past Sebastian heading towards the stairs, “I’m going back to bed. Sorry for waking you.”
Once I returned to my room, I slid down the back of the door and lay my empty glass on the floor. I couldn’t be around Sebastian tonight. My nightmares were always about losing him. Why? Shouldn’t I be dreaming about the death of my parents or the day I realized I would never see again?
I wanted to throw the glass against one of these walls in my room, but the fear of waking up Sebastian again stopped me. I hissed under my breath and stood as I crawled back into bed. I would simply ignore the thoughts like I did every night. I was good at bottling up my emotions. I was that one stoic kid that no one wanted to get near. It was better that way after all.
Days go by and Sebastian and I haven’t said much to each other. The dreams continue to happen, but I ignore them thinking that God is laughing at me from behind a corner. I mean, being blind already sucks, but God mocking me isn’t helping. I can’t figure out if these dreams are supposed to mean something or if I am just going insane. Either way I get up every morning and drink my tea in silence and Sebastian hardly says a word to me as he helps me get dressed and packs my things for school.
Although this day has already started off different than usual. It’s a Friday morning and Sebastian pulls up to my school like usual, but he doesn’t hand me my cane right away and I wonder why.
“Ciel, it’s going to rain today.”
There was a pause of silence and the sadness in Sebastian’s voice confuses me, “So? It always rains here, why does that even matter?” I reach out for my cane, but Sebastian doesn’t hand it to me.
“You hate the rain.”
“I do not hate the rain.” I said scoffing while I continued to find my cane.
I tensed up once arms wrapped around me from inside the car. My heartbeat speeds up and when I swallow, I hear it. Why is my heartbeat getting louder? Is it just me or is it hot in here? Since when did Sebastian hug me for this long? I still haven’t found my fucking cane!
“S-Sebastian, enough.” I push him away and there is a short pause before I felt my cane hit my lap, “have a good day at school- oh and….did you need an umbrella just in case it rains?”
“Hn, no. It’s fine, I already have one.” I lied.
I got out of the car and heard Sebastian drive away. I wish I could have seen his face because if I did maybe I would have been able to understand. Maybe his eyes would have told me all the secrets I could never see.
I looked up towards the sky and wished I could see how grey the clouds were. The air on my face and the way it smelled told me Sebastian was right. He seemed to be right a lot these days.
School went by quickly today and like always I ignored everyone, just trying to get the day over with.
I sat on the steps waiting for Sebastian to pick me up. The storm had already started and the wind picked up having my hair blow in every direction as wind pulled at it. I laced my fingers through my hair trying to calm it down, but it didn’t work.
“Waiting for your boyfriend to pick you up?”
I knitted my brows together at that grim voice, “go away, Trancy.”
“What’s the matter?” He inched down to my level and whispered, “did I hit a weak spot?”
I reached out in anger as I tried to slap him, but he backed away and began to laugh, “Figures. I have seen the way he looks at you when he drops you off for school. Come on, Ciel, you have to notice the way he looks at you-“ Alois gasped, “Oh, but wait….” I could feel his smirk as he stepped in front of me, “You can’t see it, how could I forget?”
I stood up from the stairs and the wind blew strongly. I would have lost my balance if not for my cane, “You know nothing of me or my caretaker. Screw you.”
“Screw me?” Alois’ hands fell onto my shoulder, “there is no way I’d let the likes of you anywhere near me. After all….” Alois put his hand over my mouth and licked the shell of my ear, “You’re broken and who in God’s name would want a broken toy?”
Suddenly I was pushed and I fell down the couple of stairs that were in front of me. My knee hit the ground hard and my cane had rolled off somewhere. Alois’ laughter was fading out so I assumed he had run off. I wanted to scream out at him, but knowing how hard the rain was falling, that asshole wouldn’t even hear me.
Speaking of the rain, the cover from the school no longer gave me shelter and I was soon soaked. I tried to find my cane, but it was gone and my messenger bag which was right next to me before went missing.
“Just great.” I pounded my fist into the cement and got up onto my feet. My eye patch was soaked and I grabbed it throwing it across the ground. I gave up on finding my bag and cane since I was friggin’ blind and the chances of finding it was zero to none.
I began to walk, my hands timidly out trying to find a place to sit until Sebastian would return. There was no way I was staying here. What is Alois came back?
My hands found a tree and I sighed as I leaned against it. My nose was runny and my skin crawled with goose bumps. This couldn’t get worse.
Then thunder roared across the sky and I lost the will to breathe. My heart stopped and my body hurt. Thunder…..I hated thunder. Everything about it was cruel and evil. Its existence was futile and I feared it more than anything else in life. Why? Sebastian didn’t tell me there was going to be thunder.
Then again, Sebastian had no idea I hated it so much. I never told him my hate for it. Every time there was a storm I would lock myself in my room until it was over.
I dug my nails into the tree and tried to move my paralyzed body. I needed to find a safer place. I held my breath and counted to three as I made a run for it.
My legs were so numb and I had a hard time moving. Mud made it harder for me to stay on my feet, but that didn’t matter right now. I needed to get back into the school and take shelter
‘CRACK’! Thunder sounded off again in surprise and I slipped and fell onto my face. I lay there for a few minutes with my hands over my head. Sebastian….where was Sebastian…please.
My heart was stopped and I couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe?!
I felt my body trembling and warm water leaked from my eye. Wait…was I crying? There was no way I would cry. I was Ciel Phantomhive and no matter what I do not cry. But then why was the rain on my face so warm? Why did my eye burn?
I couldn’t just lay here. I had to get up and find shelter. It was my job to get to safety and yet here I lay into the grass and water trickled down every inch of my body. Why God? Why did you take my eyes from me? Was I that bad and evil that you took that from me? What did I do to anger you?
I finally got back onto my feet and I ran. I ran and believed that I could see again. I told myself that what I saw was the colors of flowers and the colors of spring. The colors of the TV shows I once use to watch and the colors of people are their red lips as the smiled. The colors of snow and the red mittens on the snow man I built out in the yard. The birds, the grass, the sky, the houses, and Sebastian….I wanted to imagine Sebastian. He told me he had black hair and he was tall with a slender face. I imagined him to look perfect, but that was because to me he was. But I guess God took him away from me, too. Just like he did in my dreams because right now the only person I wanted to find me was him and yet I couldn’t even have that.
‘SLAM’ I ran into something really hard. My hands outstretched in front of me and I felt cloth.
“Ciel, Ciel what the hell?”
“S-Se-Sebastian?” My voice was shaking and I looked up pretending to see his face, “Sebastian!”
I didn’t want him to see me cry. I thought maybe he would think I was shaking from the cold, but once he wrapped his arms around me and picked me up I knew I was safe.
“Shit, Ciel, why didn’t you wait for me?” His voice was quiet and it was like the rain wasn’t even coming down anymore. I could no longer feel it nor hear the growling thunder.
“I…..I was trying to find you.”
“Ciel, you’re crazy. You worried me like crazy! I was searching for you and then-“
But his voice faded out and so did my brain….or…..if I had any, my vision.
I could hear someone talking, but who’s voice was it?
“He is going to be in bed for a few days, Angelina, no worries.”
“…better take care of him…”
I rolled over onto my side and groaned.
“Ciel!” My aunt rushed over to my side, “Oh Ciel, you got a concussion from earlier today. How are you feeling?”
“Your knee is beat up pretty bad, too.” Sebastian spoke as he sat next to me on the bed, “What happened?”
I looked away, “Nothing…”
“Well Ciel, you need to get a lot of rest. I have to go back to work, but Sebastian is going to stay with you and watch you.” I felt a kiss upon my head and then a small hug, “You call me if you need to sweetie.”
Sebastian and my aunt walked out of the room together saying something about medicines to give me. I shut the voices and my eye. I wanted to only to sleep right now. What exactly was wrong with me? I gritted my teeth as Alois’ voice rang in my head.
‘Who would want someone who is broken?’
My mind swirled as I clawed at my bed. I am not broken!
“Ciel, calm down.” Sebastian took my hand and folder his into it, “You’re shaking, it’s okay….I’m here.”
“Sebastian, please leave.” My voice was soft, but the words were harsh, “I want to be alone.”
“I understand.” He sounded a little disappointed, but I couldn’t have him around me right now.
Once I heard his footsteps fading and my heart beating loudly again, I spoke without thinking, “Wait!”
“Just….just stay beside me. At least until I fall asleep.”
And he did. He was there by my bedside playing with my hair. He continued that way until the haziness of slumber captured my mind.
I woke up to the smell of tea and sound of water running, “Sebastian?”
“I’m right here, master.”
I scoffed as I sat up in bed, “Don’t you dare start it again, I swear I will throw the tea cup at your face.”
I heard a snicker from Sebastian and I knew things were returning to normal, “Ah yes, but I am sure your accuracy isn’t very….accurate.”
“Do you want to find out?”
“Do you want to waste your coffee?”
I smirked and shook my head, “Touché Sebastian, touché.”
“I have a bath running for you, so when you’re done with your coffee, you can simply hop in.” I nodded as I reached over taking my tea from the tray. As I took a sip I sighed at how perfect it was. Sebastian was the only one who knew how to make it just right.
My mind went back to last night and it replayed it like a song stuck in my head, “Sebastian, do you….think that I am broken?”
The long pause of silence got to me and I began to think even he would believe so, “Of course not, Ciel. Why would you say something silly as that?”
I snorted, “Heh, I almost would have believed you thought I was, too.”
“Wait, who called you broken?” I felt Sebastian’s hand on my face and I stopped the tea right at my lips, “No one…it was no one.”
“Ciel, there is not one blemish about you.”
“Ciel, watch you mou-“
“No, you listen to me!” I reach over to set the tea down, but my accuracy was off and the tea cup crashed onto the floor and shattered. I hissed under my breath as I stood up out of bed and pushed past Sebastian.
“You don’t know what it is like to be blind every day! You don’t know what it is like to fall over stuff and get picked on for being blind! It’s hard to do any-fucking-thing on your own and every day you wake up to realize that your life is a nightmare!”
I turned around and gripped my fingers into my hair, “I can’t stand not being able to see anything! I can’t see the dog we have, I can’t see the flowers or the trees! I can’t see the sky or the kids at my school. I can’t read and I can barely write. I can’t see the snow as it falls or the way it looks when you first see it out your window in the morning.”
My one eye began to tear up in all its colorless blindness, “I hate it, Sebastian! No matter what, I can only see in my dreams and what I see is you….and you’re always being taken away from me or dying! I can’t stand it!” I squeezed my eye shut and balled my hands into a fist, “I hate not being able to see and most importantly,” I turned around and stepped forward taking Sebastian’s face into my hands. I froze at the soft touch of his face and from how silent he was I knew he was listening to my every word.
“Most importantly, I can’t see your face and it kills me!”
“But Ciel, you don’t have to see me. You only have to feel me.” His lips crashed into mine in surprise. I felt my heart jump into my throat and beat like a drum.
I felt a weakness coming on….Sebastian…..stop this now, you and I were never meant to meet. It didn’t stop me though. My blindness didn’t render me from tasting him. My lips searched and longed for this. I don’t want to feel like this. It’s not meant to be like this.
This isn’t what I planned at all.
…..so that makes it all your fault.
I kissed him harder and pressed him back into the night stand. I heard the tea tray crash onto the floor, but didn’t care. My tongue mapped out the inside of his mouth and I relished every minute of it. He tasted of cinnamon and sin?
Sebastian, why? This is where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving.
He bit down on my lower lip lightly and sucked. I jerked back and took in a deep breath.
“S-Sebastian.” I wiped my mouth and continued to pant for air to flow into my lungs, “It’s definitely all your fault.”
I made a run for the door, but I felt an arm latch onto mine and stop me, “Ciel, wait.” His arms engulfed me and I felt his heart patter in the cage of his chest, “You’re not broken, please.”
“What I am about to say Sebastian is very important, so listen.”
I waited to see if he would protest, but when he didn’t speak I knew I had to, “I am blind. I might do a lot of stupid things day to day, but if there is one thing I know, it’s that coming near you like we just did….it’s….it’s not going to ever be anything more, and that’s because I’m blind. I can never be that person for you, Sebastian, so no matter how I feel or you feel this is how it ends.”
I jerked my way out of his arms, “I’m sorry, Sebastian, it has to be this way.” And then I left with the feeling of Sebastian still buzzing on my lips. God why? Please just help me…
It must have been the most dreary week of my entire life. Sebastian continued to leave and go ‘out’ more than usual. He started to slip up on his duties for me and the whole time not one of us mentioned our little kiss incident last week. I shrugged it off as nothing and I was hoping he did the same.
A ping of guilt and hurt shot through me every time his touch would brush over me, but I knew I couldn’t react. Sebastian had to understand what I meant by all of this. It could never work out, and more importantly I wasn’t going to do that to him. I was broken.
“Sebastian, my tea.”
“I got it.” I heard him set down the tea tray and then a loud ‘CRASH’.
“Sebastian what is wrong with you today? Why aren’t you being more careful.? First my bath water was really hot and now the tea?”
“I-I’m sorry master.”
I frowned. Why? Why did he speak to me that way? “Sebastian, don’t call me that. It’s fine, I’m not mad or anything…I’m actually just curious as to what is up with you today?”
I heard the phone ring and I reached over from my desk and answered it, “Hello?”
“Oh Ciel, hello, this is your doctor.”
“What is it?” I asked confused. I didn’t have another appointment until next month.
“I have great news for you! We just got a donation in for eyes for you! They will work perfectly! It’s like God made them himself and sent them in a little box for you! I can’t believe this has happened and I have no idea where they came from since it was left anonymous, but I am—“
Anything else the nurse said was muted. I dropped the phone and stared straight ahead, “Sebastian….Sebastian did you hear that?” I jumped up from the chair and tackled him into a hug, “Sebastian I am going to be able to see again! After all these years of trying to find eyes that would work, today is the day!”
Sebastian arms snaked around my waist, “You have no idea how happy I am to see you smile like this. Today is a special day indeed.”
I couldn’t contain the excitement that bubbled inside of me. It has been so long and then today God had heard me. Why now? Did I finally do something right in his eyes? I pressed my face into Sebastian’s coat. Perhaps there would be a day where I could finally see his face.
The surgery was happening the very next day. I was secretly scared, but the excitement of this actually being able to work took over the fear I held.
The nurse explained to me all the steps and I listened while she got the needle to put me under. I knew Sebastian waited for me outside. He told me he would be with me every second of the way. Although I did find it very odd that we took a taxi here instead of him driving. I guess Sebastian had the shivers too about all of this. Maybe he was thinking it as well. The future of us two was nearing closer and closer. I had to hide the blush as the nurse got my IV in.
“Okay, now once you wake up you’ll have to leave the gauze over your eyes for 24 hours. After that you’ll be able to take them off. Just stay calm, alright? I’ll see you afterwards.”
I nodded and within seconds sleep overcame me.
I woke up with blankets over me. Where was I? This wasn’t the hospital….
Gosh why was it so damn bright in here?!
I jolted up from my bed and my head pounded with pain. The curtains were slightly peered open and I could see the sun rising. Was this a dream? Was I actually able to see? With….with both eyes!?
The brightness of the room gave my head such pain since I was no longer use to light or anything with color or picture. It was so vivid and clean. It was beautiful. I felt my eyes tear up and I wiped them embarrassed. I got out of bed and looked around the room. I was back home in my own house, but where was everyone?
“Hello?” I called out as I walked towards the door.
“Oh Ciel! You’re awake, thank goodness!”
I turned around and blinked at a nurse who was dressed in only white, “I am staying here for the next few days while you recover. Your surgery was a success! By the way your eyes sparkle I can imagine you’re seeing me right now?”
I nodded, “Yes, it’s very beautiful being able to see you. It’s been way too long…but….where is my care taker?
The nurse set her finger to her lips, “Oh….he should be down stairs. He has been having issues sleeping lately. Maybe you should go see him. But first I need to get your vitals.”
I obeyed and let the nurse do what she needed, but the whole time my mind was on Sebastian. Why wasn’t in my room with me? Was he ill?
I went down the stairs and smiled at the fact I could do this without my cane. I felt so free and alive. Not even my eye before this could see this clearly. It felt so breathtaking being able to see like this.
I froze once I saw Sebastian facing out the window in the living room. He was tall like he told me and his hair was thick and raven black. I tried to hold down my blush once I thought of his lips and how they tasted.
“Hey, Sebastian, I can see now! It’s a miracle! You have no idea how great it is to finally see! Looking at you is like looking at-“
Sebastian turned around and what I saw shocked me. Instead of real eyes to stare at me, he had fake ones made of glass, “Ciel, you’re finally awake!”
“S-Sebastian, can you see me right now?”
“Ciel, how are you feeling?” He stepped closer to me reached out to cup my face, but I slapped his touch away.
“You never told me you were blind! Why didn’t you ever tell me!” I screamed at him while my eyes captured every feature of his face. His lips were thin and cherry red, he face looked soft as a feather and his figure was slim and fit. He was perfect. So goddamn perfect and yet looking into his eyes…
“….Ciel….I never needed to see you to love you..”
My heart shattered into a million pieces and I tried to force back these burning tears in my eyes, “Why did you never tell me?”
“I want to be with you, Ciel. I want you to let me take care of you forever and give you what you want and-“
“No Sebastian, it won’t ever work! We can never work out.” I backed away from his reaching hand. His glass eyes were frozen and never to blink. He could never see me. I never could see him…
“I…I don’t want you to be my caregiver anymore. I want you to leave.” Tears slipped down my cheek as I turned around to leave, “Don’t ever show your face here again. You’re a liar!”
As I walked towards the door and opened it for Sebastian to leave, he slowly walked towards it and picked up my cane. I was so glad he was blind for only this moment because if he saw me cry then I would never forgive myself.
I closed the door on him before he could say another word and from the other side of the door I heard his lasts words.
“Take care of yourself, Ciel….and…my eyes.”